Resep masakan, patut dicoba =)

HOW TO COOK A
CONDUCTOR


or


"Maestro
al Dente"








Necessary
Ingredients:


One large
Conductor, or two small Assistant Conductors


2 gallons Ketchup


2 large garlic
bulbs


10 lb. Crisco or
other solid vegetable shortening - lard may be substituted


1 cask cheap wine


1 bass trunk


2 lb. alfalfa
sprouts


27 lb. assorted
yuppie food - tofu, yogurt, crudite', etc.





Preparation
Instructions:





First, catch a
conductor and remove clothing, tail, and horns.


Carefully separate
the large ego and reserve for sauce.
Remove any batons, pencils, and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked, anyway).


Clean the
conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from
the body. If you have an older conductor, such as one from a Major Orchestra or
Summer Music Festival, you may need to tenderize. Some suggested successful methods: Pound the conductor on a rock with timpani
mallets; smash the conductor repeatedly between two large cymbals; place the
conductor directly in front of the brass section for at least twenty minutes
while it performs Strauss and Wagner excerpts "ffffffff mit
flatterzung."





Then examine your
conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a conductor, you must
discard it and catch another. Next, place the conductor into the bass trunk,
cover with cheap wine,and marinate for at least 36 hours, or for a single
performance of any Bruckner symphony, whichever is longer. Exception:
Conductors from France.





Since American and
German conductors have a beery taste which some gourmands prefer, the wine
might overwhelm - use your judgment. When the conductor has been sufficiently
marinated, rub all over with garlic.
Then with vague, slow, circular motions, cover every inch of the body
with the shortening. If this turns you
on, you may simultaneously cover your own body with shortening.





Then find an
orchestra. Put out as much music as the stands will hold without falling over
and make sure there are many really loud passages for everyone - big loud
chords for the winds and brass and lots and lots of fortissimo tremolos for the
strings. Rehearse these passages several
times, making sure the brass, winds, and percussion always play as loud as they
can and the strings tremolo at the highest possible speed. This should ensure
adequate flames for cooking your conductor. If the flames are not high enough,
take every possible repeat and add the second repeats in really big
symphonies. Ideally, you should choose
your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible. If you have a piece with
no repeats, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original score and
there was an ink blot there that "looked just like a repeat" to you,
and which obviously had been missed by every other idiot/music critic who had
ever looked at the score.





When the flames
have died down to a medium inferno, place your conductor on top of your
orchestra (he won't mind because he's used to it) until he's well tanned and
his hair turns back to its natural color. Be careful not to overcook, else your
conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego,
sprouts, and ketchup, then place in a blender and puree until smooth. Slice your conductor as you would any turkey,
cover with sauce, and serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the
remaining wine.

ck ck ck....